laments of a manager

more than a week later since i told my boss the truth about why i had to leave
...amazing....time flies

so much has passed over the time it took me to decide this
......i...being drawn and quartered at my job and what i was allowed to do over the last months

became stifled and stuck and mired in the mud of bullshit
for too long

but finally...somehow....i found the strength to quit
and i have found some clarity...some light to reach for in my knowing my own work ethic...that it wasn't my fault that i could not live with the irrationalities of simple business practices that should have been adhered to

and yet i was the scapegoat
for anything that did not go well
or as planned
and i knew it

he readied me to look bad with his family and acquaintences....so that when i left it would seem as though i just couldn't take the pressure...instead of the reality of not being able to agree with the ludicrous way he wanted to run things.

it matters not now though does it.
now that i gave my two weeks notice
and i was dropped kicked

"most people do that nowadays" have said many to me....as if that is the common business practice in america

"that doesn't make it right" is my response...when i think of all the energy and change i brought in my moments....all my light

so let it go
i tell myself

let it dissolve like fine powder in water

but still i think of my friends
of the laughter
of the challenges we overcame together

of how much the dream if making it wonderful

fell
apart

for me anyway

sighs

i miss you all so

black bird

xxx

conjuring up a storm

the first thing i want to remember is that...

while there are many bridges age crosses without effort...there are, perhaps, fundamental differences one cannot ignore.

there are times when i am simply not seven ...or even five...years my senior.
and i don't have to be dammit.

and i don't give a damn about etiquette either.
but that's another story

my spirit is not yet ready to lay down.....it wants to stay up late and carouse and dance in the moonlight too late and sing too loud for this neighborhood

it wants to catch a buzz still...at least on holidays...or...certain holidays anyway. remember my wild self and call on that spirit as i bring new things to me. ring in the new year with a bang. i want to not feel guilty to want to hire a babysitter to go out and go dancing or just...go out...

laughs....what the hell am i on about eh?

everyone stayed up tonight just to humor me. it was like they were forcing themselves just to make it to the midnight marker.

i am so not ready to be in that place.

and it's not a battle with growing old. or maybe it is. maybe within the next five or ten years my body will go through so many changes that i will succcumb to tiredness....and i will look back at this post and laugh

but it seems as though it's a battle with forgetting to celebrate. that does not necessarily equate itself with drinking...but no one could say a glass or two doesn't relax barriers.

anyway...it's not as if i blame them...(i love and cherish each of them) for not being in the mood to be loud and boisterous and laughing and bring in the new year with gusto. i know we have kids sleeping and it's late. i know they all work very hard and we all have tons of responsibilities and we aren't spring chickens. i will myself be 37 this year. later this year. but still.

do we let the party die then? at what age? do we just do basically nothing special....or bare minimum for the holidays that come along? and certainly not any special time taken for selves.....

i think not.

and get a grip. when i say 'party' i'm not talking every night party or about the people who are desperately clinging to youth or keeping a stash pint of vodka in their garage.

i mean...that base instinct we've all touched base with at some point that we feel free and wild and it's GOOD for us.
don't tell me you don't know what i mean

do so many more than i thought just accept...tired.....bored.......blah........?

i had alot i accomplished this past year. and alot i'm going to accomplish next year. and i'm excited and i want to conjure that energy. be it alone or in a room full of charged people.

i wanted to....blatantly be drunk and play celtic music too loud and laugh and tell stories and smoke too much.

instead we saw it past midnight and everyone else went to bed.
~smiles to myself~
it's ok. i mean...there will be other times....to sing loudly and carouse
won't there?

so..it was kinda frustrating in a house full of quiet.
somehow i'll channel what i need though...pep rally within so to speak. lol

oh, and i want to remember to live more in the moment
and not lose the gifts bestowed on me

"i lost my powers in this world
because i did not use them"

five bucks if you can guess where that line comes from

i will not lose my powers in this world

i am conjuring up a storm again

take cover

be well
wanderers

raven

by the way....have a magnificent new year

seasons change

i move closer now
towards freer spirit

towards my own will

towards freedom

it will have to come...........
as i cannot wait any longer for it to knock at my door

i won't be made a liar and accept any of the illogical...the rash...any more
all jobs suck
we all hate working

but there are certain parts of myself Not For Sale

so...enough already
of the speculating and the weighing and the responsible decision
to hell with it all

now is the time

moving faster
the wind picks up
the cold moves in
seasons change
and so comes mine

long overdue

raven xx

cold night in colorado

really, i should call it three in the morning
but considering i had a reprieve from the powers that be that can control the clocks....
it's technically only two
laughs
"only"

i'll feel it in a few hours when the babe wakes having no clue about daylight savings

but if i hadn't stayed up to have that last cigarette...i wouldn't have heard the eerie windchime music that played repetetively outside just now

it wasn't the wind...there wasn't any. it was just damn cold. but no wind..no breeze...nothing

but this song...playing repeatedly.....like someone nearby was playing a new age song on a stereo or battery operated machine somehow...and loud that was repetitive because it maybe meant to be meditative?

it was weird though...technically three in the morning....windchime mantra of some sort...

and then a loud ....vehicle of some sort passed down below on the highway and it faded....i heard it for a moment more after that vehicle passed and then it was gone

and everything was silent again...as if there had never been any noise of any kind

i love the night

makes me want to go back out
at 2(3?) in the morning
listen for other strange sounds

wander on

raven xx

what is halloween to you?

here i sit....one in the morning

wanting to stay up later....imbibe and speak to the night
but conscience self says go to bed woman

it's another life.....another time
but my soul craves wee hours moments...late night ramblings with the moon and the feeling, of course, of taboo
staying up later than i should and having a drink all by myself


laughs

oohhhh so dangerous eh?

i'm determined to go out this halloween

show off my costume...my nemesis
the spider

if any pics come out i just may share

what are you going to be for halloween?

what sort of holiday is it to you?

be well nomads

raven xx