i do this
all the time. i don't MEAN to walk around blind - i always told myself i would never be one of 'those' people. and yet i find myself in various stages of waking up. or opening my eyes again and seeing something that has been sitting there for weeks
i'm not waxing poetic. i mean literally. i have not even looked at these freaking pictures of myself and the kids in weeks. i've glanced in their general direction. i'm aware of them in my peripheral.....but, i just noticed, about how long has it been since i've reallly seen them?
sometimes there will be a pile of Random Stuff on the stella table. (it is a butcher block a beer distributor who owed me a favor and knew i loved stella and gave it to me) hence the name 'stella table.'
shit - the coffee is done. brb. it's an old fashioned camping coffee percolator....thing
(we got sick of buying cheap ass coffee makers that break within a month or so. or people give them to goodwill apparantly thinking, well, this is a piece of shit i don't want to deal with but maybe some poor person will have latent electronic coffee machine repairperson skills and will be able to use this. if they aren't too lazy. SO for over a year now we've been using the trusty ol' grandpa and grandma's metal cookstove/camping percolator pot. and it tastes pretty damn good. not quite as convenient...but then all that is convenient is not quality. laughs)
ok!! on with the show. heh.
back to the stella table (beer not rocky)
so this pile was there, right? and it kept building. now...i have 4 kids. 4, 11, 13, 14. 3 boys. nothing on the table is mine so i keep walking past it. am i aware the pile is growing? vaguely, yes...
am i aware that it now appears to include trash and at least one unclaimed shoe? hmmm. maaaaybe. this can go on for months, hypothetically.
then all of a sudden one day when i'm feeling particularly bright and shiny, i suddenly 'see' the table. without giving it a thought i swirl in like the master of efficiency and productivity i am and have that table and all of its random contents that everyone was ignoring, put away and shining like a little beacon of 'please pile stuff on me again'
as if it was no problem!! ha!! begone little piled table, little pile of dust, unclean house, projects not finished, chores not done - avaunt ye!!!
(ha.) - and i wonder to myself, why ever was i avoiding that so? it was so not a big deal and look how easy it was and so much better!! why don't you just go tackle every little annoying pile that your avoiding!! and off i go with renewed vigor thinking 'well come on, you always knew you were invincible..just get on with it' as if i knew it all along. pfiffle.
i knew it was like a looming goblin there...dark and piled and annoying.
i would sneak around it and refuse to really look at it, as if not looking at it would somehow make it dissappear without my needing to intervene and deal with it. and then suddenly, everything is clear! the birds are singing, you notice sunlight and clean up a whole bunch of stuff again and start to get back on track like the wonder woman you knew was in there...
until you find yourself in one of these stages of waking up
and realize you've dozed off on your own life again.
i do wonder about that dead zone
the one where you're awake but your not
aware but not really
interacting and in control in your imagination
but in reality sort of a ghost in your own life
is it the quiet secret breaking of a heart
is it an illness that no one would hear
is it just never being able to really get up
after being knocked down too many times
is it dissillusionment
or just...apathy
why do we disconnect
where do we go
why is it so hard to remember
be well nomads
raven
