headache from hell and the gentle viking

midnight exactly. hmmmmm. i haven't done that in awhile.

when i used to journal i'd notice that it was every day around midnight or 1 am that i'd write

and here i am again, weaving words at precisly the witching hour

i've had a headache for 9 days. isn't that just....wrong? i got sick with, i think, strep or some other nasty cold virus on the 23rd. i'm just now coming out of that whole lovely two weeks and last tues. the cold symptoms largely vanished but a headache remained. at first i thought it residual...then i was convinced it's something i've tweaked in my neck and shoulders...others claim i must have a sinus infection. i don't know but if my head doesn't actually blow off my shoulders by monday and i'm still feelin this i'm going to the doctor. which, mind you, i hate to do and have to be seriously damaged to go to one...because, i am stubborn...

on another note, everyone should just be granted a decent 1 hr massage every week. it should be federally mandated. if i was president, that would be remedied. it does so much for your body and health and is very much preventative medicine, and if you don't know it you would just be amazed if you got a real massage on a regular basis, how theraputic it is...if they weren't at least 50$ an hour i'd have done it already.....but tis the plight of the poor eh?

i missed the full moon yesterday. that was bad. i promised myself i'd get together with la luna monthly....and then i go fall asleep in my computer chair. it's that wild life i lead of a working mother of 4....killin me

no not really...wouldn't trade it. just.....you know...tired.

dammmmn. enough whining already.

what's the point today?

lucky girl i am. finding one of those really good men............some days i wonder when i'm all....grungy and momma-in or workin or not at my most patient if he wonders what the hell he's doing

or if i appreciate him....even as we are...here...4 years later...

but i wonder if he knows i watch him when he hikes or talks to the kids or just sits and reads the net...i can see a spirit so strong and kind and embracing...i wonder if he knows

even though we're both gun shy from loves gone bad....or we get busy with life and work and children....

how he is cherished. and if i woke again alone.....not just again, as in '''oh woe is me i'm alone again so many bad relationships' but alone specifically without this man

i wouldn't be myself
a puzzle missing a piece


doesn't everybody drive each other a little crazy sometimes? me thinks surely we do.....

but i love him still
more than i can tell him
more than he realizes

my gentle viking

this too shall pass.....bring on spring....enough snow and cold already...and it's only january

sigh

be well wanderers

raven

manifest your universe

soooon now

i will carve my own path instead of watching others carve theirs
not that it's not fun or interesting or a learning experience in itself

but it's not for me

art has been calling me back from the regular world for over a year now...but i, all buried and floating in the mire like ophelia but less romantic

lol

have been stuck at my pain the ass 9-5, where i am, granted, queen bee, but still cowtowing and catering to the whims of others and controlled by an irrational and focus-challenged 'fearless leader' have all but lost my connection with any kind of art which is the core of what's moved me for most of my life so far

so i started thinking, first of all, i won't let it go
i won't let it become something that i, in my 50's or 60's say, yeah i used to draw real good once.....back in the day....you shoulda seen...

phhhhttttttbbbbbbbbbbbthhhhhhhh

and secondly, if work is going to suck anyway and your going to make too little to really get by well anyway....why not try to make something happen that you'd like to do rather than being owned, eh? how's about that.

so slow and steady wins the race i hear...or that's the line that keeps running in my head

so i'm plodding along

strangley i have this sensation that something big is about to give...but really i'm only beginning with a little bit of teaching for a group in a remote town...but hey...it's a start

i just wonder what the other big feeling is........

i suppose all will be revealed...and no matter that i'm starting small....slow and steady. maybe someday i'll be able to survive on my passion

what a concept

hate your job?

feel free to vent

be well nomads

raven

the media amazes me

the cover story for newsweek society yesterday....
the tag that floated around with a pop up on msnbc was 'mean girls'

it shouted that a bedroom community had been 'rocked' by their outrageous behavior

i thought...hmmmm what sort of evilness were these girls up to...as by today's standards they'd have to have done something exceptionally wicked to get such a cover story

it was a story about a group of teenagers.....five high school cheerleaders
partying, taking pics of themselves that were obnoxious to certain people and no big deal for most teenage kids and what they've seen by now

ohhhh one of them told a teacher to 'get their panties out of a wad'
others jeered the people who tried to get them kicked off the squad

i kept thinking....ok well...it's bound to get jucier, right...
and before you know it i'm at the end of an article that cries that 'these girls have nothing on gangs...they think they can do anything'

give me a freaking break

what evil demonic totally normal clique of high school girls...like nobodys ever experienced a bunch of snotty popular girls? please...and they've got nothing on gangs? are you kidding? there was no blood, no mayhem, no fighting or stealing or guns....there were no weapons at all in fact...
there wasn't even any porn!!
hell the worst thing a chick did was flip somebody off

oooooooooooohhhh how terrible

rolls my eyes

the media amazes me.

i'm sure there were no more newsworthy stories about people in the U.S.

more interesting posting later
just had to vent that

be well

raven

welcome to the jungle

thirty first of december, two thousand six...eleven fifty three pm.

well....here i am. stepping foot in the blogosphere.

i tend to go on about nothing....so if you don't mind random mind rolls great. if you think i'm too long winded or full of it
go
away

i used to write...alot...and journal...alot. before it was called blogging. i think i got distracted right as it became a Really Cool Thing to Do...two or so years ago

so i've waited and watched and been busy
or made excuses like i am....too busy, that is...to blog or write or keep up my old site...

but the truth is i miss writing....and blogging as it now stands does intrigue me. so, i'm aiming this year to make myself write...here...and see what comes of it.

now i don't believe in resolutions exactly...but i do believe in making up a general goal or two in your mind for the year.

i just don't think it's a good habit to get into.....making promises to yourself you might not be able keep and then chastising yourself for not doing them. cyclical destruction of your own character. i think not

and the nice thing about having an anonymous website of your own is that you figure no one will actually find it so it doesn't matter when or how you write. but here...if feels already like there's pressure in a way. perhaps that's why i've stayed in the shadows

but i'll write when i like and refuse to cowtow to the psuedo pressure of writing all the time to keep readers happy and worry about the writer instead

and just focus on the fact that at least i'm writing SOMEthing again

i will focus more on the magic that i hold

i WILL get that god damn legal issue taken care of i've been waiting to be able to afford for years and come hell or high water i WILL jump start this post baby frigging metabolism

i won't say by when or to exactly what extent i will do any of these things...but if you ask me by the end of next year if i accomplished them i betcha the answer is yes to all

that said and moving on...

what's on the surface of a year

what's underneath

i made the mistake of letting work eat me up and my stillness has receded more than i want it to which will take some mending, but i'll fix it.

i can still sense the calm deep blankets of snow from spring and this christmas...i can feel the summer's breeze and all the rain that came...and smell the campfire and the night sky in the forest
there is laughter of all the little people between the trees and so much amazement and wonder at the new addition to our world

more love than i could have anticipated

being a broken family that began again

i understand companionship better and yet so value my solitude....

i have also gotten better about Just Doing whatever it is i would normally take 5000 hours analyzing and plotting my course of action first

and i believe i may have succeeded in putting something into motion that i cannot stop. which is frightening and yet if i didn't really want it i wouldn't have set myself up to HAVE to deal with it....changing jobs....moving on....making your job being about something you WANT to do instead of taking whatever you can or doing what you have to

i have decided that the reason i cannot actually see ghosts is because i'm not ready to......that fear is actually my obstacle even if i know that's irrational....but i still don't know why i sense them or what the purpose is of them coming around and i don't sense any truth to the whole romantic notion that i'm supposed to help them find the light or end a puzzle they didn't get to nor do i sense any sort of danger ....

but i wonder, for all of you who might think it's blasphemous to talk about ghosts and magic and so on....let's theorize that god made everything, shall we? god made everything and made us exactly as we are...design implies designer right? then why would these sixth sense aspects some of us posess be bad if god gave them to us?

and for all of you who think speaking of ghosts is crazy talk......phhhbbbbbtttt. we fear what we don't understand no?

i'd personally just like to know why i possess that sense so i don't go wasting it.

ok. enough of that tangent...back on the years change

i am more tired than i thought...and less tired than i thought... and am definitely 10 yrs older than when i first started this whole kid-having experience... and blissfully ignorant in my world of no newspaper and no tv...

not subject to the same commerical and shock value bullshit i know is out there for the masses...dumping pre formed opinions into our overexasperated skulls.....
but i do miss the humor...and some of the reality stuff...and once in awhile, dave letterman. but i'm not as sucked into the politics and drama and news as most of the sheeple.

unfortunately watching the news or even reading about it online also makes me acutely aware that our media and our goverment is a monster of our own creation and is, for the most part, no longer in our control at all. in fact, we are so uninformed as to the truth of the state of things, i believe, that the nation is almost two different places...the people of the land and the people of the government

one hand has no clue what the other is up to

the media is the circus act keeping both groups at bay

and the state of the world always makes me sad to so many degrees that i am happy to narrow my scope, until i can travel again, to my own little reality and deal with my day by day

for now anyway.

in the meantime, another year comes...restless....tearing at the seams ready to burst...

another year of landmarks and seasons and holidays renewed and birthdays

hopefully it will hold less kidney stones
and more insight
and art

alot more art and alot of laughing. laughing is good.

what was underneath what you remember about the year?
what are you reaching for next year?

share if you like
i don't know what sort of blog this will form into. i'm the sort to go read all sorts of weird links, but not really the type to put them here...so maybe it will just be me spouting off...we'll see

either way....i appreciate the visit
and hope you get something out of the read

be well wanderers

raven