the grand internal debate

wow here i am again...i can hardly believe it

still on the giant internal debate
which never actually goes away

all work sucks right? i mean, unless you genuinely love it....work is work.
i saw a woman i met at my brothers wedding last month doing a stand up in new york on you tube...which was cool...she threw everything to the wind and just went for it with being a comedian so it was cool to see her on you tube...

but she made one of the jokes about jobs and work and explaining why your quitting something is so hard to explain...but did it by emoting how often there is "too much job in that job...do you have anything with a little less job in it?" lmao exactly. it's just a job...why do they become so self consuming?

anyway it was great
cool to see someone you know go for it

and do well

like the powers that be really do pay attention and bless you for following the path you were given

sighs

this is not helping my current dilemma heart vs. bills to pay

anyway i keep throwing bits into the wind....perhaps something will come back. or perhaps after 20 yrs i'll look back and think i was a gigantic pussy for not just diving in with both feet

of course i haven't made up my mind so who knows

life is so peculiar. i wonder if before you move on or move up or move down or whatever the case is when my body loses my spirit if you get to look back on your life and see how it all fell and have such clarity

wouldn't be any point unless you got to apply the lessons you could see to the next life though. wonder if there is a next life

well i think i know ...that there is....unmistakably...that we learn from each life until we are allowed to pass in to the next level...

but that's just what my gut says. i don't subscribe to any organized religion

anyway
what's all this about

listen to your gut
follow your heart

try to have faith that the universe will catch you
(note to self)

be well wanderes

raven

what to do

i should really go to sleep

but it's always at the witching hour...or there abouts that i feel somehow compelled

to write....or emote...or ponder

i wish i could type more quietly
i suppose there are fancier keyboards out there that allow you to type quietly in the middle of the night when you should be sleeping

laughs

so the question of the evening is.....
are the ones who put it all on the line the ones who always make it? no i don't think that's the case. i'm sure someone somewhere could point out a ton of people who are incredibly talented and gave it everything they had and didn't 'make it'....

so how do you know when to jump off with both feet?
and i don't mean some little embankment...i'm talking careeing yourself, potentially, off of a 50 foot cliff...

shaking it all up...all the stability you now know.........trying to have faith in yourself and understand if the time is now...or if you simply have a ceaseless brain and the time can be any time you choose it to be...

are there not windows of missed opportunity?

one of my dearest friends on the planet said this weekend something that has been haunting me since...

if you think about something every day.....it eats at you every day....aren't you supposed to do something about it?

right?

she said all suggestively looking at me straight...
lol
but she's right and i know it and she knows i know it

it's just so hard to jump when you have no real sign or catalyst and you have so many mouths to feed

payin the bills. we all get that one right? but how long do you compromise your spirit and the gifts bestowed on you for a reason? how many will read this will know exactly what i mean?

i am at such a crux. i want to throw caution to the wind...and yet i haven't the balls

maybe

what to do
wish i had a crystal ball

be well wanderers

raven